Revival of the IRC Quotes

[Strayed Wanderer]

<inari-chan> i didn't jizz in jera's ass
<inari-chan> >_>
<inari-chan> that would be like
<inari-chan> physically impossible
<inari-chan> besides, i don't like buttfucking boys
<Strayed> ... the fact that I got an erection from that... scares me.
<Strayed> okay, it's like half-mast, but still.

[Wellsy]

<Jeramyu> Anything I assert is true by pure force of will.
<Strayed> and anything I assert is true by pure fecal matter and sperm.
<Wellsy> oh god
<Strayed> Oh sorry, I meant, anything I insert is...

[Teenr0cker]

I don't even know when this is from...I just found it in some old notepad document while I was looking for my roms folder, buried deep in my backup directory.


<Porter> DO NOT buy the burger king stackers
<Porter BIGGEST ripoff of all time
<Porter you can get a double mcdonalds cheeseburger for $1 and thats just as big
<WarV Hello Imported goods.
<Teenr0cker> nice
<Teenr0cker> the BK stackers are terrible, tried one the other day.
WarV> Ya just get a whapper if you are going to BK
<Porter> add that to the book
<Teenr0cker> done



There was a time when Porter and I had plans to literally publish a book that utilized the book of war as part of a full-scale novel with, of course, pictures to illustrate some of the crazier moments. Ah, what grand dreams.

[EmperorJeramyu]

Oh my, I hadn't seen that. Remember, if you find any good War quotes, just tell them to me and I'll inscribe them in the holy .txt file that is The Book of War AKA The Bible 2.

Some older quotes...

<Porter> i'll own tou
<Porter> which is another form of you
<Porter> but it means i own you
<Porter> fucktard

<Porter> should I rape my teddy bear?

<Jeramyu> hook me up with inhumane rampage
<Jeramyu> inhuman, rather
<Porter> oh boy
<Porter> uhm
<Porter> what if
<Porter> i just have sex with you

<Porter> jeramyu
<Porter> these guys today were participating in really amazing college education and intellectual courses
<Jeramyu> I really never have any idea what you're saying.

<inari-chan> jera, can i convince you to give me a backrub?
<Jeramyu> sure.
<inari-chan> yay
<Jeramyu> let me just find a dimensional portal for my hands to SC
<inari-chan> heh
<inari-chan> you should come room with me
<inari-chan> you can either have the guest bed, or we can share one
<Porter> do her good jera!
<Strayed> Jera doesn't do high school chicks.
<Porter> oh
<Porter> AVOID HER!
<Porter> ALL COSTS
<Porter> CUT OFF YOUR NUTS DAMNIT!!!
<Porter> ...
<Porter> MAKE SURE THE SHAFT GOES TOO!

<Porter> i just ripped a huge fart
<Porter> now my room really stinks
<Porter> really sucks that my biggest crush on my dorm hall walked into the room during the worst part of the stink
<Porter> i don't think i'll be getting on that

<Porter> lmao
<Porter> wtf
<Porter> there are people down the hall talking about dildos going into urethra's
<Porter> urethras
<Porter> and penis transplants
<Porter> and some guy can't have sex and i don't know if he's playing a pity card or something but it's gross
<inari-chan> you go to a weird college
<Porter> no
<Porter> this kid came into my room and talked for like 20 minutes about himself
<Porter> and religion
<Porter> and how lucifer came to be
<Porter> and then i told him to leave

<OoS> Tele, where do babies come from?
<Telephalsion> OoS they come from piñatas
<Telephalsion> when you rape a piñata a baby come out

<Non-Sequitur> What is your major going to be?
<Jeramyu> CS
<Porter> masterbation
<Jeramyu> >:/

This next quote was even funnier for me, because I read the last 4 lines without knowing their context.

<Fitz`> Sepcific?
<Jeramyu> that sounds like part of a toilet
<Dinogrrl> it does kinda
<Jeramyu> ...an organic toilet
<Sepcific> A guy typoed Specific
<Sepcific> and it seemed like a goos word
<Sepcific> good
<Jeramyu> made up of the biomass
<Jeramyu> from system shock 2
<Jeramyu> it turns you into a bio slave
<Jeramyu> best toilet ever

<Strayed> Why do naked women get burnt?
<Strayed> It doesn't make sense.
<Strayed> They aren't doing anything wrong.
<Strayed> Hell, they are the only women doing anything right.

<Jeramyu> One of my scripts had a non-cannonical lesbian ending
<Jeramyu> It was actually a 5-some
<Wellsy> and i've come at just the right time, it seems

<Strayed> Maybe we should replace the rocket with a high trained ninja.
<Jeramyu> good idea!
<Strayed> I thought so.
<Strayed> But can Highly Trained Ninja survive high-velocity impacts?
<Jeramyu> If he's highly trained enough, yes.

<Jeramyu> etc.
<Strayed> Take in account that I don't actually read books anyway, so sex somehow became equated with reading at some point.
<Jeramyu> wow.
<Jeramyu> that's uh... weird.

<Jeramyu> eh, there was at least 1 game for Rm2k that had a penis.
<Jeramyu> I think it was called Destiny's Call Complete or something.
<Strayed> And why did it have a penis?
<Jeramyu> and I played at least one game which featured graphic sprite sex.
<Strayed> Please say for comedic effect.
<Jeramyu> because the main character had a sex meter.
<Jeramyu> I remember there was a food, shit, and sex bar.
<Jeramyu> kinda like a sick demented version of the sims.
<Strayed> I feel like I've heard of this before.
<Jeramyu> so you'd have to seek out horny women or prostitutes ever so often to get the sex bar down.
<Jeramyu> and the shit bar had a pretty nasty looking ass next to it.
<Jeramyu> I know Porter has the sex bar IRL.
<Jeramyu> he probably has an alcohol meter too.

<DarkForce> that is fucked up
<Strayed> Ya' know what is even more fucked up? One day, somewhere on this planet there could be a women who could possibly consider having sex with War.
<DarkForce> well
<Telephalsion> That Is fucked up
<DarkForce> they could be retarded
<DarkForce> or something
<Strayed> Sex with me is worth dying for.
<Jeramyu> you'll also die if you have sex with him, so either way you're fucked

<Teenr0cker> a girl went down on me though, so I've at least gotten head
<Strayed> That's not sex.
<Strayed> Sorry.
<Strayed> Even anal doesn't count.
<Teenr0cker> awww
<Teenr0cker> darn
<Teenr0cker> Does it count if it's free
<Jeramyu> Glenn's finger a choir girl is closer than that
<Teenr0cker> cos it was free
<Teenr0cker> on the 2nd date too
<Strayed> Glenn's choir girl fingering is one for the books.
<Sodajerk|Oblivion> In what world did you grow up in. In between the lunch menu of spaggetti or macaroni and cheese in elementary school, did your principal say "Remember kids, blowjobs don't count!"

<Strayed> I'm not all that flammable.
<Strayed> I rarely ignite.
<Sodajerk|Oblivion> I can change that with a little napalm.

<iamtheverb> hi
<DarkForce> sup iamtheverb
<iamtheverb> it rained
<iamtheverb> and now I am wet
<DarkForce> dude
<DarkForce> make like a verb
<DarkForce> and shake it off
<iamtheverb> no
<Jeramyu> DENIED!

Prepare for IMMENSE BURNAGE!!

<Porter> i'm not gay
<Porter> you are
<Strayed> Owned.

<Jeramyu> man, if I were an AD&D character, I'd have 30th level bowel movement detection for sure.
<Strayed> ...
<Telephalsion> If I was an AD&D I'd be level 1 and without a class or anything cause I don't care
<Jeramyu> You'd want to be an ACTUAL advanced dungeon and a dragon? weird.
<Jeramyu> I think saving throws versus crapping your pants should be a nominal part of any AD&D game.
<Jeramyu> I guess being an advanced dragon would be cool, but a dungeon? I'll pass.
<Jeramyu> What would an advanced dragon have anyway? Laser eyes? Missile lauchers?
<Jeramyu> god, you all bitch about nobody ever talking.
<Jeramyu> and here I am trying to make a damn conversation.
<Ghoti> Wha? How would having a bunch of little people wandering around inside of you looking for treasure not be cool?
<Jeramyu> ghoti, you already have that going on, I'm betting.

<Glenn> I just learned about PMS the hard way.
<Glenn> My girlfriend FREAKED on me, when she had been laughing like 20 seconds before.
<Glenn> one second "hahaha, I don't know what I'm laughing about" and the next minute "well umm...I'm hanging up now"
<Glenn> and I go "are you mad?"
<Glenn> and she goes "no but I'm hanging up. Bye."
<Jeramyu> this is why the roundhouse kick was invented

<Porter> do i break up with her?
<Porter> because she hates how everytime we're alone apparently i try to have sex with her

* inari-chan surmounts Jera's logic.
<Jeramyu> Lots of women do that to me.
<Jeramyu> And by lots, I mean none, because I don't leave my house.

The legend of Porter the drunkard...

* PorterPARTYGONE is now known as Portta
<Jeramyu> the magic of 1:40 AM
<Portta> hahaha
<Teenr0cker> Porter!
<Portta> eriac gave me a rid home
<Teenr0cker> howdy
<Teenr0cker> awesome
<Portta> AFD
<Impossible`> How are things going with that girl?
<Portta> thea partay aaws bsutined
<Portta> bustedn
<Jeramyu> Ladies and gentlemen, you can't fake this

<Portta> sje wasmnt there
<Portta> it was some other girl ive been with
<Portta> that was oaeperfevt
<Jeramyu> "oaeperfevt"?
<Jeramyu> Any guesses?
<iamtheverb> perfect?
<Impossible`> Perfect?
<Portta> i spelt my name wrong
* Portta is now known as Porter
<Porter> ues

<Porter> i have a small theory on Inderos
<Glenn> Ohh! I wanna hear!
<Glenn> Wait wait! Inderos theory
<Inderos> Sweet, I want to hear the theory on me.
<Impossible`> Me too.
<Porter> It took me 3 semesters of AP courses in Psychology to reach this conclusion
<Porter> Inderos
<Porter> go fucking die.

<OoS> I'd rather rape Cetsa. But, that's probably because I'm not gay. And really, I'd rather not rape anyone, because I'm also not a rapist. Or that's what I told the police, anyway.
<Porter> OoS rapes boys

...And two classics to round it off.

<Ballista> Does anyone in here also play the Guitar?
<Porter> you're looking at the guitar master
<Ballista> Really, I'm just still kind of leaning.
<Porter> yeah
<Porter> maybe you should learn the guitar
<Porter> instead of leaning on it
<Ballista> Opps forgot the r.
<Ballista> Hay no ones typing is perfect.
<Porter> don't you mean "oops"
<Porter> and "hey"
<Ballista> Sure.
<Fitz> ... god
<Porter> don't you mean "porter"?

<Full_Metal_alchemist> what the hell do u mean and duh im 17 i was born in 1986 july 20th
<Porter> uh....
<Porter> you're 17?
<Full_Metal_alchemist> no shit
<Porter> 17 is your final answer?
<Porter> you are 17?
<Porter> i need to know
<Full_Metal_alchemist> YES OMG.
<Porter> hey dipshit
<Porter> i was born on feb 13 1986
<Porter> and i turned 19 this year
<Porter> way to know your own age
<Porter> that would mean your 18
<Porter> wow
<Porter> fucking stupid
<Porter> OMG
<Porter> you are a fucking retard
<Porter> LMAO
<Porter> fucking weak ass, way to lie

[Impossible]

<Porter> i have a small theory on Inderos
<Glenn> Ohh! I wanna hear!
<Glenn> Wait wait! Inderos theory
<Inderos> Sweet, I want to hear the theory on me.
<Impossible`> Me too.
<Porter> It took me 3 semesters of AP courses in Psychology to reach this conclusion
<Porter> Inderos
<Porter> go fucking die.

Somehow, the words of the past echo into the present. Porter has magical powers.

[Teenr0cker]

<Porter> i have a small theory on Inderos
<Glenn> Ohh! I wanna hear!
<Glenn> Wait wait! Inderos theory
<Inderos> Sweet, I want to hear the theory on me.
<Impossible`> Me too.
<Porter> It took me 3 semesters of AP courses in Psychology to reach this conclusion
<Porter> Inderos
<Porter> go fucking die.

It's funny that this particular quote stands out the most among those quotes to a small consistent degree so far.




<WarV> I would never NEVER have sex with my sister
<WarV> even if she was hot.

The fact that there was consideration for this possible scenario was enough of a "uh, wow" kind of moment for the records.


* Porter has quit IRC (Ping timeout)
<WarV> If all of us ping out #theway will be destoried.

[EmperorJeramyu]

<Wellsy> http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/6729745.stm
<Jeramyu> awesome
<Jeramyu> that would be the first thing I would want to see after I was shot
<Jeramyu> a robot teddy bear
<DracoNSlayer> it seems rather pointless doesnt it
<DracoNSlayer> i mean, what difference does it make what it looks like
<Wellsy> "A really important thing when you're dealing with casualties is trying to maintain that human touch."
<DracoNSlayer> well is a robotic medic really a useful thing to begin with
<Wellsy> true
<Wellsy> and you don't want to engineer it to look like Skeletor
<Jeramyu> that would be REALLY awesome
<Jeramyu> Skeletor makes me laugh, actually
<Wellsy> you could make the medic robot look like Paul Walker
<Wellsy> then the wounded soldier would get so pissed off that Paul Walker is rescuing him that he would get up to fight again
<Jeramyu> I got one
<DracoNSlayer> you could make the robot look like st pete so as to mess with the soldiers minds
<Wellsy> what's yours, jera?
<Jeramyu> make a robot that looks like Rod Stewart so all the terrorists start shooting at that instead, and the wounded soldiers can be carried off
<Wellsy> that's pretty good
<DracoNSlayer> thats brilliant
<DracoNSlayer> in fact you dont even really need a robot
<Wellsy> good point
<DracoNSlayer> when you could just use the real rod stewart
<Jeramyu> "In memory of Rod Stewart, who despite rational logic, is still alive."
<Wellsy> you could make a 3-headed Green Day medic-bot that would make the terrorists extremely emotional and start wearing eye-shadow
<Wellsy> it wouldn't rescue soldiers, just write shitty power ballads
<Jeramyu> dude
<Jeramyu> don't talk about WMDs in here


<DracoNSlayer> i think i went through my midlife crisis when i was twelve
<Wellsy> what'd you do, buy a Power Wheel and bang the hall monitor?
<Jeramyu> that's what Porter did

[Impossible]

If current channel activity is any indication, #theway has already been destoried...

[Wellsy]

[02:11] <Strayed> I'm lucky my penis works like crap, I'd be as much of a creep as jera.

[Porter]

I am now back. I think we need to publish a book.

Jera must keep these quotes handy all the time, bravo bravo bravo.

[Wellsy]

Godammit, Porter, I'm gonna be extremely pissed if I miss you again on IRC. Glad you're back though.

[EmperorJeramyu]

This just in:

<iamtheverb> ggggguitar
<WarV> YA
* WarV grabs his strat and begins to rock it!
<iamtheverb> hurray
<Jeramyu> AWESOME.
<iamtheverb> WAR WHAT CHORD ARE YOU PLAYING
<iamtheverb> so much for that jam session
<Jeramyu> yeah
<Jeramyu> the band broke up
<Jeramyu> reunion tour when we're all old balding and impotent
<Jeramyu> we can get all the top ratings on PBS
<iamtheverb> during the pledge drive
<Jeramyu> yes!
<Jeramyu> exactly.
<Jeramyu> we can get some crappy 70s soul band to open for us
<WarV> We can get Edguy to open for us!
<WarV> Lets play a G cord verb!
<iamtheverb> too late, the band broke up and I retained the legal rights to the band name
<iamtheverb> I'm going to hire a bunch of soulless session players to replace you guys, and tour with them up until the PBS reunion special
<Jeramyu> oh yeah? we'll I'm going to find a bunch of other guys who've been kicked from their bands, get addicted to drugs, and die in a motocycle accident!
<WarV> You can't play without me verb!
<WarV> You know the fans will hate you for it!
<WarV> THEY LOVE ME!
<Jeramyu> yeah, but you go to jail for sexual assault
<WarV> I am going to go on a solo tour and be not as good as your band, but create a cult following
<Jeramyu> yeah but if that happens one of your fans will murder you in the name of art
<WarV> most likelyin the parking lot of after our PBS reunion specia
<WarV> l
<iamtheverb> war's going to go to jail after the incident, but while he's there he'll find himself, and then start doing some acoustic gigs at coffee houses and small venues, and he'll build up a lot of critical acclaim and then make an album with rick rubin
<iamtheverb> also he'll probably take a trip to tibet or morocco or someplace like that
<Jeramyu> wow, sounds like I really got screwed
<Jeramyu> which instrument does this mean I play?
<iamtheverb> vacuum cleaner

I know for a fact Wellsy is the only other person who understands that last line, but the rest of it is pretty funny. (For those of you who don't know, PBS stands for "Public Broadcasting Service", and is a TV channel that changes from area to area. They're generally very poorly funded, constantly beg for money, and play nothing but crappy nature shows and reunion tours of shitty old bands, especially 70s soul groups)

[Wellsy]

Nicely done, too bad I missed that one. Good call on the shitty PBS reunion concerts.

[Aegis]

<Jeramyu> that sounds like part of a toilet
<Jeramyu> ...an organic toilet
<Jeramyu> made up of the biomass
<Jeramyu> from system shock 2
<Jeramyu> it turns you into a bio slave
<Jeramyu> best toilet ever

Fuck yeah. System Shock 2 FTW. Definitely the best toilet ever.

[EmperorJeramyu]

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