The Journey Begins! (Your criticism welcome.)

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The Journey Begins! (Your criticism welcome.)

Postby Elachim » Wed Jul 19, 2006 1:17 pm

The Way: a novelization.

Before you start, I had this idea before I ever heard about anyone else's novelization, so sorry if I'm stealing someone's thunder.

This is only the Prologue so far. I haven't finished Ch 1 yet, but I'm a good way through and it won't be too long 'till the next posting hopefully. (Except I've got exams starting next week. That'll delay it a bit.)

I encourage you to post your comments and criticism in this thread.
N.B. By criticism, I mean constructive critique and not flaming.

I hope you enjoy my little contribution.


Here's the link, check it out:

http://www.crestfallen.us/fan/elachim_prologue.doc


edit: Goldurn typos. Which reminds me, I need a good editor. Any volunteers?
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Postby Ghoti » Wed Jul 19, 2006 3:24 pm

Holy moly, that was deliciously refreshing. I love your writing style; it's not bland at all. The creative way you described Rhue's appearance in the first few paragraphs was just wonderful, though I must say it was a bit confusing to read at first.

Your word choice, most of the time, was very interesting. "Crackling shadows played strange games of darkness across his face." That was one of my favorite sentences. It really makes your writing feel alive.

You also did a great job at explaining the characters' emotions and making them easy to understand. They felt more like actual people than just a few inconsequential minor characters Rhue meets along the way.

Other than the few grammatical errors(missing commas and a few run-on sentences, mostly), I can't say I have any problems with it at all. I hope to see more from you.
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Postby Fitz Tayo » Wed Jul 19, 2006 5:11 pm

Yes. It's in a nice style. I'd like to read more of this when more gets completed.
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Postby Cedus » Wed Jul 19, 2006 7:51 pm

Very nice. I really like how you captured Rhue.
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Postby Teenr0cker » Thu Jul 20, 2006 12:50 am

So...nobody's going to say it?

Okay then, I will....


Doesn't Impy have a The Way Novelization?
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Postby Ghoti » Thu Jul 20, 2006 5:47 am

Yah... but this one, if it continues like this, is probably gonna blow Impy's straight out of the water. (no offense to you, Impossible. Yours was all right)

I must say that I personally prefer this: "It had been awhile, before she heard another noise. It wasn’t a night noise – they were all around her – it was a whispering ring: metallic. She turned to face the sound. The fire had burned to embers, but she could see the shadow-dark figure precisely silhouetted against the starry sky. Moonlight glinted along the edge of a long, sharp blade.
“Purpose help us,” she whispered."

to this: "A dark figure walked to the campsite, and drew his sword. He approached the tent, entered, and there was a slashing sound…"

This attempt just seems much more creative and ambitious, and I support it fully.
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Postby Stedar » Thu Jul 20, 2006 8:43 am

Oooo not bad elachim, not bad, i didn't read it all but it looks great. :D
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Postby Sling » Thu Jul 20, 2006 12:52 pm

I might as well give up on my feeble attempt of a novelisation. Not unless I go through it and change it to a Grade A* standard.
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Postby Elachim » Thu Jul 20, 2006 1:04 pm

Thank you, thank you! <takes a bow> :P

Ghoti, looks like you're a stickler for grammar, and yes, I do tend to run on a bit. Good spotting. I don't bother too much with grammar myself and I disobey a few rules sometimes to get things to feel right.

I've read impy's fic up to the cave, and though he does a good job of getting the details dow, the writing fails to grip me and keep me interested until the later parts. (Sorry Impy...)

Okay, a few thoughts on the Prologue.

Personally, my favourite phrase was this: "...the birds did not take notice of bright orange boots, deep blue clothes, or long golden-brown hair in thick grass. They only noticed the movement of shadow-dark shadow under trees almost stirred by the lazy summer wind." It took me four tries to get that just right.

I tried to keep a refrain going through the different parts of the prologue - "futher along the Way" and "alone" - which to me sum up Rhue's character at that point. The girl's story kind of ran away with me. I started her perspective then got carried away, but it worked wonderfully.
Another favourite phrase would be this: "The crack of a twig breaking like a spell..." I wrote that and I was stunned. Yes, I took a bunch of liberties, especially with the dialogue, but Lun said that's alright (as long as it's just a fanfic :P ) As I said, I got carried away. Sometimes it's a good thing.

And then... CLIFFHANGAR! Gotcha! I love doing that! Just wait for Chapter one... It's going to be awesome, I promise!


Thanks for all the comments (and undeserved praise.) You guys are great.
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Postby Alundra » Fri Jul 21, 2006 5:28 am

great job!
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Postby Impossible » Sat Jul 22, 2006 7:50 pm

“That boy scares me,” her mother said, breaking the silence.
“He’s not dangerous… Just…”
What: Lost? Unhappy? Alone?
“…Confused.”
“Oh well, it doesn't really matter. I doubt any of us will be seeing the likes of him again,” her father breezed. “He's setting quite a pace for himself.”
“Maybe he’ll become a Forerunner.” It fit him, she mused. Always searching; forging towards the Rolling Mists at the End of the Way. And always Alone.
“You know, you might be right, though that’s a rarity for sure.” She scowled. “He seems the type though. Them Forerunners are a crazy lot.”
Not at all what she had meant.


Yes, I just can't compete with this fucking work of art.

I never really claim anything I've written to be complete or even that good, especially when I can't remember the last time I actually sent Lun an update, so what's up on the site is likely to be total garbage compared to what I have now. Even then, nothing I'm writing for now is much more than a draft, because there are just a lot of things I'm not that confident that I'm capable of right now, so my writing style is often not creative enough.
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Postby Ghoti » Sun Jul 23, 2006 8:11 am

Dude, I never said you couldn't compete with it. If you think you can do better, then get to work. Confidence is the heart of talent. I'm dying to see your writing at its best.
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Postby Elachim » Sun Jul 23, 2006 10:25 am

Yay! Impy likes it! Now to win over any other competition... :twisted:

Impy, if you're not confident about posting your work, just write it for your own satisfaction and don't show anyone. You'll definitely improve. I've got stuff sitting around on my PC from years ago that I've never shown anyone and would be embarrased to now. (I thought it was great at the time.) Don't let yourself get cramped by the idea, "I can't do this right." I still think I'm going to make a total screw up of this thing sooner or later, but hey, it hasn't happened yet so I'm gonna keep going.
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Postby Impossible » Sun Jul 23, 2006 8:13 pm

Well, my first line was actually pure sarcasm. But yes, I think parts of what you've written are very good... The campsite stuff just sucked.

I know my writing skills are improving, and have improved significantly since I last sent anything to Lun, but I have a hard time writing more complex descriptions (like "The folds of loose short sleeves and long loose pant legs whispered their own answer as orange boots swished and orange gloves fell back beside legs that once again tread further along the Way", and much of how you described Rhue) in varied ways, that make things sound more interesting. I tend to just tell things how they are over giving vivid images.

In any case, I WAS just getting back to work, but since I've now lost a massive amount of time and can't do much of anything, it'll be a while before I can write more again.
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Postby Alundra » Mon Jul 24, 2006 7:50 am

this reminds me of a smiliar situation which me and a friend are right now.
I wrote a really great story, he's the one to break it down and laugh at it, attempts to build one that's better then mine, and then I have to become better then he is, which I already am...

Endless battle... I feel for the two of you!
Ken~ says: I'll be a cop by then...
~Alundra~ says:All right, grand tour of china! drivin' around in a cop car!
Ken~says:You'll be wearing the uniform too?
~Alundra~ says:no u'll wear the uniform
~Alundra~ says:i'll just be sitting next to you going woeh woeh woeh ¨-^
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