Breath of Fire 2 outtakes: Reloaded

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Breath of Fire 2 outtakes: Reloaded

Postby Teenr0cker » Wed Nov 24, 2004 11:37 pm

The following is an outtake, originally posted on Gamefaqs.com. It was deemed golden shit. I take pride in posting it here.

M’Kay, I’m stuck on a plane, so I’m writing this Outtake to pass time… A whole lotta Time. I demand praise if you like it. Last time all I got was somebody’s praise, and they informed me that they had a seizure of sorts and had been “Rolling on the Floor”. Umm… On to the Outtake!!!

September 4, 2003

Ryu rushes into the Prop Manager’s Warehouse
Ryu: Prop Dude! Wasuuuuuuuuuu-
Click * Props guy holds gun to Ryu’s Crotch
Prop Guy: Finish that word and Nina will be pissed that she didn’t get any from you or a gift for her birthday tomorrow.
Ryu: Okay, I just want to get a gift… for Nina…
Props Guy: take this vibrator pen then. That’ll be $5.
Ryu: How bout the pen (Draws sword) For your life?
Props Guy: (mumbles about Ryu Shooting blanks for the ladies)

September 5, 2003

R: So… uh… Nina, how do you like the pen?
N: I love it! At night, when I’m alone and thinking about you-
R: (Thinking) Aww yeah!
N: - I can write about it in my diary!
R: (Smile fades) ………
Director: That was perfect! Come with me!
R: No… I want to be showered in love for my gift…
D: It’s just that the boss told me that if we train some people to make a movie without outtakes. It’s an RPG, so he assumed we could teach them.
R: because of my amazing experience?
D: Nope. We are the only ones goofing off.
R: What’s the name of the RPG?
P: Folded Pun: The last Phage
Ryu: Well where are they?
D: Here comes the Guy
Hooded Figure: Hello!
*Smack *
Ryu: NEVER EVER DO THAT!!
H.F.: Okay.
Ryu: the rules are as follows
1 Always help people
2 Have lots of people in your group
3 Repeat: ………, Yes, No, Cancel, Okay
H.F.: ………, Yes, No, Cancel, Okay
Ryu: Thus concludes your training as the main character in a RPG

Chibi Teenr0ckerz W/ microphone walks in
Teenr0ckerz: Who are these characters? What Game are they really from? Why Did I willingly go to band camp? Has my social status been lowered that much? Some answers and a musical number in the next Outtake!
Ryu: Who the hell are you?
Teenr0ckerz: I’m one of your many fans and—
Ryu: I don’t care who you are! You’re a band nerd! You suck!
Teenr0ckerz: But my saxophone skills are unmatched...
Ryu: Oh… what are you gunna do? Play Kenny G?
Teenr0ckerz: (Tears in eyes) No!
Ryu: Are you gunna cry? Huh?
Director: stop!! He can probably sue us to hell and back! You may have scarred him for life!! Give him lots of merchandise and Autographs! Nina! Be his boyfriend if you have to! WE CAN’T AFFORD TO BE SUED!!!!

Teenr0ckerz walks away with over 10 grand in merchandise, DVD of outtake 1.0, and a scantily clad Nina.
Teenr0ckerz: I love being the writer.


Part 2

Rand (dressed in black suit): I hurt myself today… because I got stuck in a manhole.
Camera zooms out to reveal he’s still in manhole.
Rand: HEEELLLLLLPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Meanwhile

Bow: Groooaaaann!
Sten: what?
Bow: I just met the new girl.
Sten: and????
Bow: She said she likes funny guys.
Sten: And you’re not funny usually, don’t you have some jokes?
Bow: just one. Wanna hear?
Sten: sure… why not?
Bow: What’s black and white and red all over?
Sten: a newspaper?
Bow: Michael Jackson with a sunburn.
Sten: Everyone knows that…
Bow: I know, so I figured that if my friend came over and helped me, I might be able to look good in front of her.
Sten: Does your friend have a life surrounded by lots of money?
Bow: In a sense, yes and no
Sten: (Picking lice off self) wha?
Bow: He’s flat broke but he has a $60,000,000,000 bounty. Also, he’s very funny – he’s a great pal – and he’s going to help me with the ladies.
Sten: (drooling) S-s-s-s Sixty B-b-b-Billion?
Bow: His names include Vash the Stampede and The Humanoid Typhoon.
Sten: Name have no meaning! Hah! I spit at names!
Bow: … right.

Erie silence

Bow: He also destroyed a city of 1 million, has a robotic arm that also serves as a gun, and has a super pistol that can turn into a huge energy gun on his other arm, which he used on our other moon.
Sten: Wait… What other moon?
Bow: Exactly.


Meanwhile
Nina: So, who are you?
Hooded girl: the other trainee
Katt: oh yeah… lets teach her to kickbox!
Nina: our instructions were to teach her fire magic. I like fire.
Katt: Pyromaniac
Girl: bless you! Do you need a tissue?
Nina: no, she needs some FIRE!!! ** Fwoooom **!!!!
Girl: … I suggest that the charred remainder you call Katt gets medical help and that you need some psychological help. Now for me to hit on the guys!
Katt: (weakly lifts face) he he,-
Girls: - HUMAN guys!

Girl runs off

Nina and Katt: that leaves… RYU!!!


Later, someplace else
Teenr0cker:Pimples hurt and Popping them is illegal to do in Texas.
Fact of the Day: Applying liquid nitrogen to skin is painful.

Someplace not retarded and describing blemishes

Bow: Where could he be?
Bow: hmm
(bow puts doughnuts and a playboy on the floor)
NOTE: plz don’t mod me! I have a feminine side too! Be a girl for the outtake people!!! BE A GIRL!!!!!!! Now back to your scheduled nonsense

A red streak flies right past the magazine and grabs the doughnuts
Bow: hello Vash.
Vash: Can’t talk right now. Doughnuts… doughnuts!!!!!!! Munch munch munch…
Bow: Just to let you know, a monkey is after you.
Vash: Is it a pretty monkey?
Bow: He’s after your bounty you fool!
Vash: AIEEEEEE!!!!!! MOOOONNKIEEEEEEESSSS!!!!!!! AHHHH—Did it talk?
Bow: yeah…. What do you mean did it talk?
Vash: I beat him senseless.
Bow: What?!? How?
Vash: I used (holds up woodland creature) this rabid, dead chipmunk.
Bow: Anyhow.. (slowly inches away) there’s this cute girl, she’s single and –
Vash: -- Can’t talk right now! I just heard there’s a cute girl here!

Vash leaves

What will happen next? Will anyone ever care? Will puss ever cease to ooze from my nose? Are teletubbies constantly high on sharpie pens? A few answers and Shakespeare in the next part of the outtake. I sign off now at 1:16 am, saying don’t forget to support P.E.T.A.: People Eating Tasty Animals. …. I think it was originally opposing eating animals, but the Town hobo said otherwise…


Part 3

I know you’ve all been waiting for me to finish this out take, but I fell into a coma…. An evil coma… one where I did extreme amounts of homework day in and day out, ate tons of twinkies, and ridiculed Hippies… wait… that wasn’t a coma, that was real!….
Also, I just wanna tell you people, I wrote this damn outtake months and months ago, so the closet joke is pure coincidence.

We now see out guest star, Vash, in search of a cute girl…. Good luck Vash…..

Vash approaches Katt’s general direction. Vash sees Katt
Vash Thinking: Wow, that girl is wearing a huge amount of fur! Wait… Just keep walking, don’t look up… Hopefully she won’t think you look good…

*Katt looks at Vash and face lights up *
Vash runs as fast as he can, loading his gun just in case.

Then he passes Bleu. The same thing happens.
And the same with Nina….
Vash sees Sten recovering from severe chipmunk beating…
Vash then runs into a closet, seeking refuge from freaky girls and monkies…

Katt: Come out of the closet Vashie!
Nina: no! Remember what happened to Jean!
Katt:??????
Nina: The MENS closet!
Katt:??????
Nine: he’s crooked…
Katt:??????
Bleu: oh for the love of…. He’s interested in men now!
*Camera zooms to Jean, dragging Sten’s unconscious body into a closet with him *
Vash: If I quote Romeo and Juliet, will you leave?
All 3: it better be romantic.
Vash: But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the East and Juliet – err – Katt, Nina, and Bleu are the sun. Arise fair sun! And kill the envious moon who is –
All 3: zzzzzzz
Vash: I never thought I’d ever have to fend off girls! I wonder where the Director is right now…
*Camera zooms to the Director, silently sleeping while standing in a corner. A closer look shows a sign hanging around his neck, reading “Narcoleptic, please wake” *
Vash: Whatever. I hope the girl Rand mentioned is cute.

Somewhere Else, Later

*Vash enters a warehouse following directions from a letter he found in his Tuna Fish Sandwich *
Vash: If this letter really does lead me to that girl I’ve been stalking for a large portion of my everlasting life, then I’ll probably get to finally date her!
* hooded girl leaps from the rafters to Vash*
Vash: Yes!! You’re here! Can I date yo-
*Girl sprays Vash with pepper spray *
Girl: Who sent you to kill me?!?
Vash: My eyes! My obscenely perfect eyes!
Girl: Don’t make me ‘taze you!
Vash: Aieeeeee- Alright! Alright!
Girl: was it Micosoft? Or was it Mario? Or was it… John Dunbar?

Outtake freezes
*Teenr0ckerz appears w/ microphone *

I would like to take this opportunity to announce 2 things.
The first is for those who recognized that name John Dunbar. I take pity upon you if you have read Dances With Wolves. And if you have read it as a so-called “core-literature” book, let me take this time to say DANCES WITH WOLVES HAS THE MOST SYMBOLS OF REBIRTH THIS WORLD WILL EVER SEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A man is naked: rebirth. It rains: rebirth. A man bathes: Rebirth. A man sees the moon: Rebirth.
Beginning to see a pattern? In the span of the book, with brief and mediocre talent in analyzation, there approximately 25-30 counts of Dunbar being “reborn”.

Secondly, while I’m at it, I would like to tell you about my great idea! It’s hard to tell where the football is during a game, for fans in the stadium, the refs, and even the players. That’s why I made gloves linked to the wearer’s helmet and the grip to sense when a player has the ball. The current possessor of the ball will then be illuminated on their jersey and on their helmet, allowing anyone and everyone to see who has the ball and their current location. This and other great ideas can be found in my book titled I’M AN IDIOT.

Thank you for your time, you will now return to your regularly scheduled crazyness.
Outtake unfreezes
Girl: Wait… Who’s he?
Teenr0ckerz: oh s***!!! Freeze!! Freeze!!

Outtake Freezes
*Teenr0ckerz walks off set, going off to fire the special FX man *
Outtake unfreezes
Vash: Nobody sent me after you, I just like you.
Girl: oh… that changes everything…
*Romantic music plays *
*Vash is about to kiss girl *
WHAP!!!
*Girl smacks a sticky-backed restraining order across his face *
Vash: what the…
*Automatic Teleportation Restraining Order effective in: [3] seconds *
Vash: Aww com’on baby! Don’t be like this!
Calm female voice: ATRO initiated. Automatic Destination: bounty hunter central, home of the official top 20 currently highest bounties, including Vash the stampede, the most sought-after man in the universe. Have a nice day.
Vash: oh bloody hell. I’ll get you, you stupid b-
Bzzt!
Girl: finally!
*Rand rushes in *
Rand: Yes! Now I can hit on her!
*Rand sneaks up behind the Girl *
ZAAAAAAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Rand crumples in a charred and smoking heap and starts to get up *
ZAAAAAAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Girl: hmm, he just took enough energy to light up Paris for a minute… oh well.
*Ryu enters the room, staring at the bodies. *
Girl: You’re the hero, right?
Ryu: yeah…
*Girl jabs tazer into Ryu’s side *
Girl: damn, outta energy. Oh well, I’ll let you talk to me.
Ryu: (staring at tazer still in his gut) I’m …. Uh, honored?

Hours of talk pass by

Ryu: What are your plans?
Girl: I’m finishing my movie, since not every movie needs outtakes.
Ryu: You’re leaving? At least gimme the title…something about folding buns or something…
Girl: You twit! My name is Jenna, and the series name is golden sun.
Ryu: As usual, I am totally drawing a blank here.
Jenna: It’s an RPG!!! And you foolishly gave vital RPG info that will soon be the very downfall of your series!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - ack! Asthma! Quickly! To me my elemental hamster minions!
*Jenna flies out of the warehouse, getting a concussion during the exit. Minutes after she wakes up, she will realize she can’t remember a thing. *
Ryu: My one chance at a normal girlfriend, gone. NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Ryu wakes up in his bed *
Jean: Ryu, I want you! Hold me!
Ryu: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Ryu wakes up somewhere not in bed (or Kansas, for the matter) *
Katt/Nina/Bleu [your choice;) ]: Ryu, my race is so evolved, I am now Asexual.
Ryu: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*And once more, with feeling! *
Plastic Surgeon: The operation was a complete success Mr Ryu… or should I say Ms Ryua?
Ryu(a):NOOOOO- ehhh, just forget it! Plus, I feel pretty.
*Ryu starts singing the new version of “I Feel Pretty” from “Anger Management” *
Ryu(a): I feel pretty, oh so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Teenr0cker: Well, its been a great outtake, filled with talking animals, fights, romance, betrayal, musical numbers, and even some ridiculing of me (its nothing I’m not used to). I had some fun on this outtake (stares at Ryu prancing around like a magnificent poof in a ballerina tutu, still singing), and I hope you enjoyed it. So whenever you wander to this topic and ask yourself “ What sick freak was demented enough to write this?” think of me. But believe me: this topic will not die! I wouldn’t ever allow it! I check frequently, and I will continue to until I get a girlfriend (yeah, it could happen… right before California no longer receives illegal immigrants, the Nazi way is honored worldwide, XBOX isn’t ridiculed for it’s large controllers, and Christ comes to my door willing to sell brownies to support poor atheists). But have you ever thought we should just quit? Just stop writing? Stop reading hilarious antics? That there could be more to life than video games? You know what? If you answered yes to any of these, I have wonderful news for you! You now qualify to beat yourself silly with a frozen waffle, preferably eggos. What?? Did you think I was high or something??? Maybe my dogs are, but not me! Now this is truly serious: I have no right to publicly denounce, abuse, ridicule, mock, detest, and/or prejudice any persons sexuality, religion, race, foreign government, and/or choices that they have. It’s all for the laughs people! If you feel offended, please, don’t hesitate to E-mail me. I will publicly apologize to you and those who could be offended also.


Thank you,


Teenr0ckerz

Love And Peace

*music and singing continues to play in background *
Voice: Turn that damn thing off! It’s stuck on?!? I’ll fix it my way!
*shotgun rounds are fired repeatedly *

Silence


AND THERE WAS MUCH REJOICING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sage Of The Wise wrote:This sounds like the beginning of a sitcom. Think about it: "Coming this fall to Fox, Ralphie and the Hooker".
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Postby Teenr0cker » Thu Nov 25, 2004 1:41 pm

I only posted instead of editing to show the time difference...


These are the outtake sessions. These are those annoying bloopers you see in the special features section of the DVD. When Ryu runs toward the final boss and one of the falling ice chunks hits him, that is an outtake. When NOBODY can clear Daisy's garden of that rock with Swords, Bo Staffs, or doomsday spells and the most worthless character, Jean, takes it out, that is an outtake. When Ryu trys to figure out what the G in G. Dragon stands for and comes up with 200 meanings, that is an outtake (Impossible 8) ). When Rand gets stuck in a toilet, that is an outtake. When somebodys accidentally hits the button on the magic mirror while the BoF2 party is in the queen fighting off the fatties and they suddenly re-enlarge while still inside, that is an outtake.

Now I ask you: I have my outtakes, so where are yours?
Sage Of The Wise wrote:This sounds like the beginning of a sitcom. Think about it: "Coming this fall to Fox, Ralphie and the Hooker".
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Postby Excell » Thu Nov 25, 2004 7:09 pm

I've been playing BoF4. I love that game.
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Porter licks dicks.
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Postby Teenr0cker » Thu Nov 25, 2004 7:41 pm

Breath of Fire four? I care not! Unless you can produce many hilarious antics from the plotline, stick to the topic.
Sage Of The Wise wrote:This sounds like the beginning of a sitcom. Think about it: "Coming this fall to Fox, Ralphie and the Hooker".
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Postby Impossible » Thu Nov 25, 2004 11:28 pm

Teenr0cker knows too much. He must be disposed of.
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Postby Teenr0cker » Fri Nov 26, 2004 12:04 pm

Don't worry Impossible...If you want, I'll remove details of your history, from my outtakes. :wink:
Sage Of The Wise wrote:This sounds like the beginning of a sitcom. Think about it: "Coming this fall to Fox, Ralphie and the Hooker".
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